Got a toothbrush?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
