Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
