I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
