When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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