i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
