I looked at my own cervix.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Green mimosas i think yes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
