He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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