Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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