I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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