You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
