But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
