I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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