Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
