lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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