turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
