She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
