Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
