Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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