That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
