I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
