I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
