Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
