you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
