I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do vagina's smell?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
