I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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