I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He shit in the fireplace
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
