JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
