i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
