you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
