somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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