why didn't you poke me back
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
