I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
