what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
