for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
