Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
