I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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