She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude i'm inner monologue high
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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