And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
