Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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