but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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