The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
