just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
