bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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