I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
