I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
