I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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