you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
