Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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