i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
