We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
