PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
