Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My vagina just clenched in fear
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
