sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
